Dear Jane,

I was in a long-term relationship until last year and only recently started casually dating again.

But after seeing a few different men, I have noticed a concerning habit they all seem to have… in the bedroom.

Every single one has tried to spit on me — or in my mouth — which has totally repulsed me. (One guy didn’t even ask before he did it!)

I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, but I am so disgusted. 

Think of the germs…

Is this the new thing everyone’s doing now? If so, I’m not into it, but I also don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Any time I’ve voiced a concern about something I don’t like, the guy seems to shut down and becomes self-conscious or embarrassed.

How do I tell the men I’m dating that this is something I don’t like without killing the mood?

Sincerely,

Grossed-out Gal

Dear Grossed-out Gal,

I have seen this online a lot, so I am unsurprised this is something you’re experiencing.

Unfortunately, for those of us equally grossed out, it’s a form of kink that means the person is turned on when they are spit on, or spit on someone else.

In fact, spitting has gone from being degrading, to a form of erotic play, but clearly, it is not for everyone.

Any kind of kink, however soft it seems, requires mutual consent. It is paramount to have an open, honest discussion about what you will and will not want to try, and when to stop.

Rather than wait for something to happen that you’re uncomfortable with, it’s wise to set boundaries and have the difficult conversation before you even think about getting between the sheets.

Asking potential new lovers whether they’re into anything non-vanilla is informative — and important. But the conversation must go both ways. 

When they ask if you have any kinks or fetishes, you should talk about what you do want, but be very clear about what you don’t.

Rather than a mood killer, it’s the mature, sensible way of navigating your sex life, and a completely common practice in the world of non-vanilla sex.