We’ve all read the endless lists of relationship ‘red flags’ and panicked when we recognised ourselves in them.

Too many rows? Not enough sex? Not sharing the same hobbies? All these things predict disaster!

But do they?

The truth is that couples survive all sorts of flaws and still thrive. Many of the so called ‘deal breakers’ barely register in long-term relationships.

Here’s what you should – and shouldn’t – be worried about.

THIS WON’T BREAK YOU UP

The first two are favourites for friends and close family to comment on…

Going too fast

According to sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox, many of the things that people usually worry will break up their relationship aren’t really ‘deal breakers’ (stock image) 

‘We moved in together three weeks after we met, married six months later and had our first baby within 18 months. We’re still going strong 15 years and three kids in.’

Almost everyone close to you will be suspicious of a fast-track romance. But they can work long-term, so long as you tick a few boxes.

The older you are, the most likely you are to make it. The more experience we have with relationships, the more refined our ‘must have’ list. You know what you need and want and when you see it, you know.

Relationships that speed ahead are also extremely high on chemistry. You need other qualities to match with it, but chemistry is what keeps you hanging in there during the rough bits.

Going too slow

Still living apart after five years? Who cares?

As long as you’re both fine with it, there is no ‘correct’ pace for a relationship. The pressure to tick boxes (often for others) is what causes cracks. 

Taking your time doesn’t mean you don’t love each other or aren’t sure. It just means you don’t work to other people’s deadlines.

While friends or family might worry if their loved one’s relationship appears to be going fast, Tracey Cox (pictured) believes that fast-track romances can absolutely last 

Arguing a lot

‘We fight like cat and dog. Argue over everything from where to park to what colour the sofa should be. But we never hold grudges and always laugh afterward. I think it keeps things alive.’

Rows don’t end relationships. Silence does.

Couples who fight a lot often stay together longer than those who are too scared to challenge each other on things that are important to them.

Keeping quiet to ‘keep the peace’ and pretending everything is perfect when it’s not, is far more harmful to relationships.

The opposite to love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.

Not having frequent sex

There is no magic number for how often you should have sex that applies to every couple.

The only thing that matters is if you’re both happy with it. If you are both low-desire people and happy with sex once every two months, you’ll be just as satisfied as the high-desire couple clocking it up daily.

It’s mismatched desire not frequency that challenges relationships.

Opposite personalities

‘She loves yoga and being outside. I’d happily sit in a basement for hours gaming. But there’s plenty we agree on as well: parenting, family, eating out, travel. I like that we are different people.’

Introvert meets extrovert. Planner meets free spirit.

Difference is what adds interest to relationships.

Think yin and yang: our differences often balance each other out. So long as you also have lots in common and respect for each other, separate passions give you breathing space.

You need an overlap in values, not weekend activities.

THE THINGS THAT WILL

These are the real red flags you need to be wary of.

You can’t laugh together

Yet, if one partner finds that the other is constantly criticising them, that may lead them to walk away (stock image)

‘I met this guy once who was perfect in almost every way. He was great to look at, intelligent, had a good job and was successful. But I still wasn’t falling for him and couldn’t work out why. 

‘After six weeks together, it hit me: we hadn’t once had a belly laugh together. He had no sense of humour and that’s a dealbreaker for me.’

Being able to laugh things off is what gets every couple through the tricky bits. Good luck lasting the distance without that because you’re going to need it.

Both having a wildly different sense of humour. Not finding your partner funny – ever. Never once bursting out laughing in the middle of a heated exchange because it’s all so silly. None are great signs.

Laughing together is the oxygen of long-term love. There’s a reason why ‘sense of humour’ is always in the top three must-have qualities in a partner.

You can’t talk to each other

Communication is the lifeblood of intimacy. If you can’t talk, can’t listen or avoid anything deeper than, ‘What’s for dinner?’, your relationship doesn’t stand a chance.

The good news is, while things like chemistry can’t be created, communication skills can be learned.

There are hundreds of good books, podcasts, TikTok videos, online courses and therapists to teach you both how to communicate easily and effectively.

Trust me: if you struggle to talk easily, this will be the best investment in your relationship you’ve ever made.

There’s constant criticism

‘My first husband cheated on me which hurt. But my second criticised me for five years. Being told daily that I wasn’t good enough was far more painful.’

If you’ve ever heard of the Gottmans, the world’s most respected relationship researchers, you’ll also have heard of ‘The Four Horsemen’. 

John and Julie Gottman use this term to describe the four behaviours that predict the end of a relationship. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling (shutting down).

Criticism isn’t the same as calling your partner when they do something wrong. It’s attacking the core of their character.

It’s not ‘Can you please call me when you are running late?’

It’s ‘You’re so selfish. You’re always late. You never think of anyone but yourself. No wonder your daughter hates you.’

No respect

Lose respect and the game’s over.

Rolling your eyes, dismissing each other’s feelings, talking down to each other – it’s death by a thousand cuts.

Without respect, love quickly curdles into resentment – another toxic relationship killer.

Zero chemistry

‘My wife isn’t easy but she’s never boring. When she walks in a room, people know it. I love that about her. It’s sexy.’

Chemistry is one of five crucial connection points that make up a successful relationship. (The others are compatibility, common goals, moving at the same pace through life and timing).

Personally, I think it’s the most crucial of all. Chemistry is the foundation of good sex: you can survive mismatched libido, but you can’t survive no spark at all.

But it doesn’t just apply to sex. Loving your partner’s energy and presence; getting a buzz just being close to them. All of that is important. If you’d describe your partner as charismatic, you’ll stick around a lot longer.

Emotional neglect

There is nothing lonelier than feeling lonely inside a relationship. If your partner doesn’t see you, hear you or value you, you will eventually leave – even if everything else looks fine on paper.

You can’t just light the fire and not stoke it.

Look up from that phone or you might just find your partner is on theirs – looking at dating apps.

• You’ll find info on Tracey’s books, podcast, blog and products at traceycox.com.